Friday, February 26, 2016

the things we do


When I was doing fertility I got pregnant and I had to inject myself with a hormone twice a day every day for weeks on end to help support the pregnancy. The hormone was in a thick oil suspension, I think it was sesame oil. The needles were fat because the oil was thick.  It really hurt.  I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks.

Gee, that sounds so sad. It was at the time. It was sad because I tried so hard to get pregnant and carry it to full term. And the losses were just devastating, but even typing this, there is no residual sadness. I have no regrets or lingering pain for two reasons. First is that I have the two best kids in the world, the perfect ones I was meant to have, which ever way they chose to come to me. Second is that I really processed the pain at the time so there is nothing left. I was very present for it all, which is a great thing to do, because you are keep things real clean and then you do not have to clean up a mess of feelings later, like when you are typing late on a Friday evening.

Anyway, I will proceed. I was not intending a sad story but a funny one, because after 150 or more shots of oil injected into my butt, it took its toll. My lovely butt got wrecked by the process, which wasn’t ideal. And it hurt for years after that. Years. The muscle and tissue really took a bruising from so many pokes and were tender for so long. 

Gee the story still doesn’t sound funny. But somehow it is to me. Because it had such a happy ending. This incident was part of a bigger process. The same way someone can laugh about the awful painful events of childbirth, my childbirth just took a different form. My body was never the same, Ha! Life is so funny. I am so lucky.

Anyway, the pain you might be in just may be birthing pain that gives way to something so much better that you can laugh about it someday, something so much better than you  can ever imagine.

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