Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Who loves you baby? Parts I & II

Part I
so I have been laying low after posting everyday for thae last 15 months. I like the momentum of writing and posting everyday, but I am also interested in other projects like my band and other things I have brewing. I have been thinking about lightening up on the blog for  while, but it is a hard decision and I continued to post each day.  There is something great about everyday. It keeps me in the flow in this crazy world. But alas…

I stopped. I skipped a few days and I do not have a plan other than that I still want to blog and it may not be everyday. Ot sure what it will look like, but I do know that I want to get other things done. Anyway…

I was thinking about how out of my mind I was in high school. I was so submerged in the underground and not participating in pop culture in any way. I had found my peeps out in the world, but I still went to a private high school that I had gotten into on a scholarship after being kicked out of catholic school and having no where to go.

I have written about this in some ways before. I really appreciate that my parents wanted the best possible life for me despite their limitations and their limited dreams for me. They really wanted me to have an education and they knew that the nyc public schools of the 1970’s and early 80’s was not a good fit for me.

They, my mother in particular, went out of her way to find a place for me and hustled some kind of deal since there was no way we could afford private school, right off Central Park West no less. And my father went along with it and paid whatever tuition they were asking for. As out of my mind as I was, I happened to have great grades, as school was a place for me to relax and learning was a safe comfortable place for my brain. So we all worked together to get me into my school and then the school in turn, worked really hard to use its resources to get me a college scholarship. Everyone knew I was at risk and that I had potential and they all conspired to help and I did get a college scholarship. It is all pretty interesting to look back at…..

I will continue tomorrow, but I wanted to mention that I was not friends with many kids at the school. Most of them were pretty privileged and I could not relate other than with negative feelings. However, I am “friends” with a bunch of them now on facebook and they are so cool and lovely and warm. And I just wanted to say that.


Sunday, March 27, 2016

more easter

Going to palm springs for Easter has become a tradition. we have been doing it for 4 or more years now. we used to go to this great spot that is now closed. There was this family that used to do a big family reunion get together thing at the same spot every year and we would see them there each year. they were not my peeps but they were inclusive and cool enough and I missed them this year and wondered how they were doing and (magically) thought we might actually run into them at our new joint, but alas, we did not.
This year we made it out to Joshua Tree. I had not been there in around a decade, and then a decade before that, so it was time. The place is amazing and dessert bloom was happening and there were wild flowers everywhere so we went at the prefect time. I always feel like I am on the moon when I get into that landscape, and the night sky only enhances the effect. did i mention it was 90 degrees and we played in the pool all day?
I am loving our spring tradition, bursting with nature, and feel blessed to have such a good life.


good friday

Good Friday, the day Jesus died. I grew up going to catholic school and learning the whole story. I like myths and alagories and history. I like stories of transformation. The idea of dying and coming back is a great symbol of some of the struggles we go through in life, of letting go of something, an idea about ourselves, a feeling (like hate), a relationship that doesn't serve us, or a story we are clinging to. When we let go of the limiting belief or problem, or whatever, when we let it die, there is pain, but then we move through it into something better. 

The one version of a popular prayer says "it is in giving that we recieve, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, It is in the dying of self that we are born to everlasting life." Dying of self strikes me as letting go of ego, opening to the higher eternal self. That is the way I see it.

I appreciate holidays, tradition, honoring some universal type thread, even if it is imperfect. Religion is problematic as hell, but there are a few kernels of wisdom to be gleaned. Let it go. Xh

Thursday, March 24, 2016

terrorists and tampons

In 1981 I went to see The Decline of Western Civilization at the Bleecker Street Cinema in New York (RIP). The doc about the Los Angeles punk scene features young X, Black Flag, and the Germs. (L.A police Chief Daryl Gates tried to prevent it from being shown in LA). I watched the film with subversive glee as I sat behind a great looking guy in a leather jacket that said Reagan Youth on the back.  Couldn't wait to find out who he was. I identified with the movie and the audience and the music. I knew that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, that I had found my people.
The guy turned out to be Dave Insurgent, the charismatic frontman for the amazing hardcore band Reagan Youth. I would spend the next several years growing up on the streets with him and the small group of people that started the new york hardcore scene. The name Reagan Youth, those two words, was brilliant because it really defined us, the messed up, pissed-off, disenfranchised kids who grew up during the 8 years of Reagan.
Man did we kids all despise Ronnie. I won’t get into it what it was like growing up under nuclear war threats, but I will say I was directly affected by his cuts to education. I watched the financial aid that paid for my education shrink each year. I squeezed through the system with the help of loans and scholarships. The era of low income people having access to private schools pretty much ended with Ronald. The man’s legacy gets worse…
Flash ahead to post September 11th America. There is an airport in Washington DC called Ronald Reagan, and it is really close to the center of the city. You can see all of the famous monuments out the window as you are landing. After 9/11 there was a rule on every airplane headed into Reagan that everyone must remain seated for a half hour prior to landing. You were not allowed to get up from your seat for any reason, not even just to rise and stretch. If anyone got up, the plane would turn around, would not land. The rule was enforced, repeatedly. If someone would mess up, stand up, the whole plane, filled with pissed off passengers, would be directed to a different location.
I knew about the rule and made sure to use the bathroom when they made the announcement that we had 10 minutes left before we needed to get back into our seats. There was a line, so I waited, and after entering the room I found out I had gotten my period. The clock was ticking as I went back to my purse and got a tampon and went back to the bathroom. 
I could hear the announcement asking people to return to their seats as I tried to open the tampon, which, incase you are not familiar with the product, is shrink wrapped in a skin tight plastic that needs to be peeled off before using. The plastic is similar to the shrink wrap on a cd, which is a real bitch to open. There is supposed to be a little tab to make it easy but many times, as in this particular case, the tab is undetectable and the task extremely difficult.  I was sweating. I needed to get the wrap off and it was not happening. My fingers searched in every direction to find the tab to open the wrap and nothing was budging. The plane was going to be sent back and it was my fault. Motherfucker. And then, just as they were making the final announcement to return to your seats, the wrap sprang off.
I was able to finish up and slip into my seat in the nick of time and not have the whole plane angry at me and not waste our day in the wrong city, under suspicion of being a terrorist and not have to explain to angry people interrogating me that I just couldn’t open my tampon, that’s all. Yikes. Not sure if they are still enforcing that rule because now if I am en route to DC I just fly into Dulles International. 

miss you, beautiful Dave

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

who cares

nothing much to say. so much is going on in the world, i am taking a break from thinking. i will leave you with this. Who cares. xH

There are so many cultural trends today that the distinction between cool and uncool doesn’t matter anymore, says Brian Eno. We’re all hipsters now.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Remember Nowheresville? Anyone? Or did I jut dream it.

doing taxes, not writing reposting:

Remember Nowheresville? Anyone? Or did I jut dream it.

It was in the basement of CLUB USA, or whatever that place in Times Square was called. Around 1994 maybe. USA had peeps show booths and a big sign that said SEX or X RATED on the stage, and a one story spiral slide that you went down in a burlap bag, in lieu of the stairs. The slide was great if you were with your friends, all hopped up, and you went down together, on top of each other, ten times in a row while laughing hysterically. But aside from that one amusement and some good looking smut-type design elements, the place was a real bridge and tunnel big soulless club. You know the type.  There was no real reason to ever go there except that someone running the place had the sense to bring in cool people to do cool things, thus Chi Chi and Johnny, the geniuses behind Jackie 60, had a room in the basement where beautiful performers did readings and performance. You needed to know the secret code word to get in so none of the common folk could get in and all of the people from Jackie 60 would hang out there instead of on 14th street one night a week. Of course that made the trek uptown all worthwhile. I could go crazy sliding and sliding and then duck into this secret room, perfectly named Nowheresville, for refuge and art. I could see Johanna Constentine or Hattie or Clark Render do something brilliant and I could bask in the joy of the secret rooms of New York City, one of my favorite things in the world.

Monday, March 21, 2016

two days later...

My boy just turned two. It is a special day, but I did not meet him until he was two days old, so when it is his birthday, I cannot say how it was the greatest day in the world for me, in terms of my being there and having the experience with him. It is a great day because he was born and came into this world. What a miracle of love! 

Two days later however, the day I met his beautiful soul and became his mother, is the greatest day for me, as in I will never forget how I felt and always cherish it with all my heart. More than i can write right now, here is the fuller story. What a miracle of love and joy. He was little and scared and precious and beautiful and perfect. I met him around 1pm and had him home with me around 1am, which is crazy. He cried that night when o put him in the bassinet so i pulled him on my chest and he slept there every night until he was too big to anymore. He still climbs on top of me sometimes, but rolls away after some time. 

Life is such a trip. Please do not ignore the amazing moments that are happening to you all the time, many times a day. it is all so good, even with the struggle and the pain that is a normal part of it all. It is all so good. How lucky are we.

Sunday, March 20, 2016

my best Johnny Thunder's story

So here is my best Thunder's story…… (reprinted)
It all happened on a freezing Christmas night. I was 14.  My sister and her boyfriend Kenny had agreed to take me to see Johnny Thunders at the Peppermint Lounge on 45th street, where my grandmother had danced years ago. We left the family dinner at 9 and drove downtown in the La Mans. I wore fishnet stockings, a black mini skirt, black pointy pumps and my leather motorcycle jacket, lots of eyeliner, very much the London style. Inside I was dancing to Gary Glitter’s Rock and Roll Part I. Kenny went and got us beers. I sat down on a wooden platform near the stage to drink and save a spot to see the show.  And then I saw him, X (can’t say his name, as it is too good a name to change and I do try to protect the guilty in these stories)!!!!! It was like a dream come true. The cute guy that I liked was out at a club with me!
I knew X because he worked at crazy Eddie’s on 8th street and Sixth Avenue where, coincidentally, I had bought the Johnny Thunders and the Heartbreakers record, LAMF. X came up to me and started talking about the record. He told me his name and I told him mine. He had cool spiky black hair worn just like Sid Vicious and pale blue eyes and milky white skin. He was almost transparent, luminous and beautiful. X had a slight eastern European accent mixed in with his Brooklyn accent, and it was so hot. I had never met anyone who looked like him or talked like him. I couldn’t believe he had approached me. I went home with a huge crush and couldn’t wait to get some money so I could go back and buy another record and see him again. And there he was at the Thunder’s show. it was mindblowing, like something right out of a movie, too perfect.
X came over and sat with me and that cemented the deal. We were an item, in my mind, for the moment at least. We were talking for a while and soon we were kissing, which happened effortlessly in a dark corner of a dark club with a beer, and had been so impossible to achieve in the sunlight on the sidewalk outside and electronics store, even if it was in the village. X tasted like cigarettes and alcohol. It got later and later and Johnny hadn’t taken the stage yet. X moved his hand higher and higher up my leg.
X had come to the club with a friend, who sat next to us the whole time. My sister and Kenny were also on the platform with us. It started to sound like the band might be coming on soon so we took a break from kissing so that X could get us beers. That’s when his friend, whose name I didn’t know, moved in on me. “Lets go back stage” he said and he grabbed my hand and we went through the door that led to the dressing rooms. I had never been backstage before. It was very exciting to see all these mysterious adults getting ready for a gig. We went past a bathroom where I could see two pairs of feet facing each other in the same stall. It was two men because the feet were big, one guy wore high top sneakers, the other had on tight black leather pants. We snuck around, holding hands, and peeking in rooms. It was hard to process everything I was seeing because it was so new and amazing and my adrenaline was soaring. Who are there cool looking people? I didn’t know but I wanted to hang out with them. X’s friend put his arms around me and started to kiss me. Given the excitement of the moment, this seemed appropriate and perfect. I didn't know his name and I have no memory of what he looked like.
Suddenly we were pushed against the wall as a line of guys walked by, some of them were holding guitars. Roadies and the band passed by and then a man not much bigger than my 5 foot-nothing petite frame stumbled by. Our faces were inches away from each other. It was Johnny Thunders. I had never been close to someone so cool and it was amazing to see this person, who made music that I loved, walk by me, inches away, in the privacy of backstage, and then into the spotlight. I heard the crowd get loud as Johnny came on stage and me and the guy went back to our spot to watch the show. X was not having me and I wasn’t thrilled about that. I didn’t want to think I had done anything so terrible, as it was so innocent and excusable to me. We drove back home that freezing night in the La Mans and I held a special feeling, like a pearl in my hand. I was getting closer to my destiny, to the exciting life that I wanted to live, getting a little freer from my dreary upper Manhattan life.

Friday, March 18, 2016

expand and be happy

I need to do my taxes for the next coupe of days so I am  am reprinting this from my original blog, which no longer exists:
Scientific studies show that some people are just born happy, they are naturally happy all the time. Hmmm. Other people are not. They say they you have a happiness set point and that if you won the lottery or had some great thing happen to you, you would still be about as happy as you were before the event. The same goes for if a tragedy happened. You have a set point that really doesn’t change- unless you consciously try to. Here are a few of the suggestions from the book Happy for No Reason by Marci Shimoff
Ways to up your happiness set point
1. Do expansive things like dance and sing or whatever does it for you and hang out with people who make you feel expansive, not constrictive.
2. Eat high vibrational foods, raw, fresh, organic, sugar-free ( did i make this one up? not sure?)
3. Know the universe/world is a friendly place. if you do not think so, make a list of good things/supportive things that have happened to you to prove the case that it is indeed friendly, reinforce that belief
4. Acknowledge when good happens. They say that bad is like Velcro, bad memories, events, and thoughts "stick" and good slips off, slips away. So focus on the good to make it more “sticky” because what you appreciate appreciates.

Pretty cool stuff. I would add that you should be willing to let go of your story, the one you tell all the time about yourself, if it is negative, or reinforces negative beliefs.

Ultimately we can see the world as limited options, or endless possibilities- we all get to choose.

One of the coolest example I have is that I was a really negative person but I had that club, The Greendoornyc, and I would dj my fav songs and dress up and dance till dawn at least one night a week if not seven days, and I had so much prosperity and good luck despite my attitude because I was always in expansive activity, it was unconscious prosperity. Dancing and music saved my life, literally, accidentally. Now I get to do that intentionally, dig?

Thursday, March 17, 2016

so much happens in 24 hours!!

Update: Thank you. The horror has been lifted after some trauma release work and I am not in agony!!!!!!! Ah, sweet peace and comfort in body and mind, may we all know it.

Today I drove my new Highlander, that seats 7. Yep, it is a reality once you have two kids you gotta go bigger for a few years. Luckily my carbon foot print has been so tiny for the last half century. We bought it through our corporation. Yes, we are incorporated and I am such a grown up it is CRAZY! Life is remarkable. All transformation is possible.

Just to keep it interesting, I will leave you with this: Yesterday my daughter found an injured baby bird that had presumably fallen out of the nest. It was incredibly stressful to me because I was unable to help it. I had read online what to do and called 311 but there was no real help I could offer short of driving it to a vet, which was impossible. it was also stressful because the kids were so interested and I did not want them to touch it and they both wanted to get so close. I was still incapacitated by trauma and they were pretty crazy too after a course of events. I was so uptight and stressed and controlling and fragile. I felt like I could break in half and it was hard to rein them in. I told them that the thing to do was to leave it until its mother cam back and helped it back to the nest, which was true, but which might not happen for various reasons.

Every time a neighbor passed my daughter would run over to them and tell them the whole story and about how we were waiting for the mother to come back. She was over excited and talking in a loud voice that was going through me like a knife in my delicate state. I so wanted her to stop and speak softly. I felt so stressed and wanted to control her loud excited jumpy bursts whenever anyone came by.

And then this happened: She told a neighbor and the neighbor compassionately said "can you show me?" right then I knew that this woman had the time and energy and care to do whatever needed to be done, unlike me, who cared but had no other capacity. I breathed a sigh of releif. My kid told her how we were waiting for the mother to come back and the woman said, "I'll come back and check on it in a little while". Finally I got the kids in for dinner and there was a knock on the door and the woman was there telling me how she was driving out to the wildlife rescue place and telling me everything they told her and asked me if i had a syringe to give it water, which I did.

The best part was that I got to praise my girl for spreading the word and saving the bird! She did it, despite me. It doesn't get much better than that.


now lets listen to me, ohh i love that piano sound:

Wednesday, March 16, 2016


Ugh! Today was worse than yesterday. My capacity to handle stuff is at about 25% and my kids activation level is at about 400%. Not a pretty sight. I did my best today but really need a reprieve. The miracle is that monday, tuesday, and wednesday I have had help sent my way. I actually tried to arrange help for today and it fell through and I still got help. I am being sooo taken care of but that does not make it easy.

Life is amazing and some days it is so hard it is almost unbearable. The only thing I know is to keep going through it, there is no form of avoiding that works in my life. It will change. It always does. I have an incredible life. I can’t wait to get back to normal. That’s all I got.

well, here is another great song opportunity..

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

so messed up

Urg, I had this traumatic experience and am reeling in its wake. The are times when everything is so unbelievably difficult to navigate, when something is off inside, the foundation just isn’t there and the whole house is on the verge of collapse.  I am spent, beat up and in need of empathy. Luckily a sweet friend held some space for me today. I saw myself in the mirror today, out in public, and man was I a mess, wearing terrible harsh unflattering colors and unflattering cuts and disheveled hair and an exhausted face. I looked so bad I almost looked cool, born to lose indeed, but in the bad modern ironic way.

It will all be ok, I am going through it, feeling my feeling and struggling on. Sometimes we just can’t keep it together with a nice bow on top. Sometimes, all you can do is show up looking terrible. I still got to part of a yoga class. Then I self soothed and spent too much shopping on line (I can return it). I live for the cookies and (rice) milk that I eat daily once the kids are in bed. Cookies and Milk forever!!!! Las galletas y leche para siempre!!
see you on the other side. xh

the perfect occasion for this classic mind blowing track:

Monday, March 14, 2016

then i'm going to sleep

The second time I went to see Johnny Thunders, again at  the Peppermint Lounge, I think it was Valentine's day. (I had first seen him there a couple of months prior, on Christmas night.) I was 14. I wore my father's red banlon shirt as a sort of dress with red leggings since it was valentine's day.  I spent the evening talking to a guy to keep myself entertained. I did not have much interest in him, but he was interested in me and was someone to hang out with. I had come with my sister and her boyfriend and they were off somewhere so i was on my own and not in my element at all. The guy's name was Tony M, if I am recalling it correctly and he was a bit heavy set and wore his hair in a very short or buzzed style. He gave me his address and phone number, and he said it many times so I would remember it. I believe he lived on 64th street, or somewhere in the 60's. I am not sure why he did not just write it down. I kept saying I was bored and he kept saying "I'm bored, I'm the chairman if the board." I did not know Iggy yet and thought he was just funny and clever. He kept making me promise to call him. I had no intention to but kept saying I would as I killed time with him,  waiting uncomfortably for Johnny to come on already. I never really moved from my spot all night. I remember there was a really messed up looking couple sitting in a special, receiving alot of attention.  I wanted to just stare but they were way too intimidating. I was also funny new and amazing. It was a bad night for Johnny, he did not come on until so very very late and he was able to only play a few minutes from what I recall. The night was a bust, but still great. Later that week I was bored at home and thought of calling Tony, I mean after all he wasn't that bad, he went to thunder's shows. I may have even dialed him, but we did not connect and that was that.

Next month he will be gone 25 years. (April 23, 1991). crazy life.

Saturday, March 12, 2016

I am "those people"

gosh, i have been thinking about this election so much and i wanted to write about it. I included a bunch of links that i found enlightening, or at least ones that help me understand the phenomena of trump supporters. 

I first just need to say that I am feeling so sad and nauseated by the racism that Donald trump is preaching, the rampant racism that is surfacing so strongly among some of his fans, that he is encouraging and provoking.

Talking about it (with this post), pointing it out does not register as a negative thing to this type of fan. They simply feel validated in their hatred by what he preaches.

From what I understand about political science and what is happening right now, a certain type of person likes the "tough talker", because they are so scared and it makes them feel safe. They confuse his hubris for strength and for some reason believe that he is someone who can get things done.

A certain type of person is feeling scared of all of the progressive change in the country and they can't handle it and thus there is a great backlash movement. They cannot be reasoned with because they are so scared they cannot see past their fear and hate. They are clinging to their fear of "the other" the blacks, the latinos, the muslims, the lgbt community, even women as the scape goats. They like him because he gives them a "safe place" to vent their anger and frustration but he is also encouraging them to vent it on the wrong people. I know it is nothing new to say but it really is classic Nazi Germany stuff.

Of course, a true leader is someone who helps people through their terror of the other; who calms the masses, not fans the flames; someone who is poised in times of turmoil, and takes the higher road, leads others to do the same.

It hurts my heart to see and hear people talk so venomously and call other human beings "trash" and much worse. All I can say is that fear kills the souls. It separates us from our humanity. I have no idea what the solution to this hate is. My only hope is that love always wins. Love is stronger than hate. I believe that our country is better than this, that the haters are a minority. I hope I am right.

All I know is that I am "those people"- I am the other, the latino, the supporter of and granddaughter of immigrants, the mother of an african american child, the fighter for lgbt rights, the believer in equality for all, opposed to the banning or registering people of any religion, the supporter of the constitutional right to protest, the protester,  I have been under-employed and if I had qualified I would have taken public assistance (I tried, believe me). I am a human being.

I have been everything that Donald Trump blames for making america "not great" and I disagree with him and his supporters. I believe in loving and supporting all human beings. I have been helped along my path and as I help myself I extend my hand to help others. 

Who does not know this? We help each other to all be better, to all do better.

I will leave you with this, don't play into the drama. Check your sources and do what you can to fight the good fight and get others to vote. Peace and Love, xH

Friday, March 11, 2016

shoes and umbrellas

A while back I wrote about this guy in grammar school asking me to be his girlfriend and my saying yes, but knowing I did not mean it because he was carrying an umbrella and wearing pointy shoes, two big problems for my 7th grade brain. I said yes but “broke up” with him the next day. What a jerk!

Little did I know how shoes and umbrellas would haunt my romantic attraction for many years to come. The blueprint was already there, even if I did not know it yet.  Yep, it turned out that I could only be attracted to guys so messed up that they would never hold an umbrella.

Umbrellas are a drag after all. Once you get inside or the rain stopped you were stuck with this thing to carry. I threw out a million of them because I did not want the burden, but when it came to guys, I wanted one who never even carried the umbrella in the first place: was not responsible enough to have an umbrella; never had to be anywhere, so did not need to even have an emergency to one; Didn’t care it he was wet or dry; was always somehwre cool, so he never got caught in the rain trying to get there, he never tried to do anything, it just happened; looked great wet; was so magical he could part the rain and stay dry if he felt like it; so free he never even thought about common folk things like umbrellas, never even had one.

Luckily, after a few decades, I consciously chose to grow up. I can still get soaked for fun but it is a choice.

Maybe I’ll tell you about shoes one of these nights


oh hell yes...

3 gun incidents, nyc

so I grew up and lived in manhattan until I was around 36 years old, which is when I moved to los angeles. When i first moved to LA I used to hear gun shots every night from my silverlake apartment. It was common place. No one screamed, no sirens followed, it just happened all the time.

In NYC, I only heard gunshots 3 times and they were a much bigger deal.

Once, late on a hot hot muggy summer night in 1983 outside the SIN club, on e 3rd street, just east of ave C.  It was late and the streets were busy with a few of us club goers and the rest of the mostly latin neighborhood people. Someone started shooting and there was a lot of screaming and yelling in Spanish and everyone was running and scrambling to get away from the gun. We all ran into the club and closed the doors. When things calmed down we went back outside and everything returned to normal, like nothing had happened.

The second time, as I mentioned yesterday, I was walking along 4th Avenue near 12th street and someone started shooting at someone. I was on the other side of the street from the incident, so I had a wall of cars to duck behind as I continued on my way, away from the noise, crouched down and running. I did not call the police. I have no idea what happened. I saw nothing, only heard the unmistakable sound.

The last time I heard gun shots in nyc I had just moved into my new home on B and 13th.  I looked out the window but did not see anything. It made me a bit apprehensive for a week or so, as I considered moving somewhere else but eventually I settled in and never heard another gun again, until I moved here.

Thursday, March 10, 2016

three places in nyc I think about

I will be walking or sitting or doing what ever and I will think about very random places in nyc for no apparent reason. I long to walk the streets and look at every detail. The weird part is that these seemingly unimportant places recur over and over, like the ghost of a soul that is not done.

One is Dojo in the West Village. I ate there once of twice. I ate at the other one, the one on St. Marks Place, a million times, but it is gone. The west village one ay be gone too by now, but I still think about it out here in Los Angeles and want to visit and eat there. I know it will not be as good as I imagine.

2. The area around Seventh Avenue near 12th street, where St Vincents Hospital used to be. Boring strip, but there used to be a good health food store on the Avenue and it was very close to the street that ran diagonal, I think it was Greenwich Avenue or Street? There was a Benny’s Burritos there that always looked fun even though the food was not good. And there was a Two Boots near that area also. Also a friend of mine lived in a cool apartment just down Greenwich that I was never in but could see into the window of.

The strip of Fourth avenue, near 12th street, by where the Ritz was/ There was a post office there and a billards place and that weird costume shop. I was walking there once and someone started shooting a gun and I ran. I lived in nyc for over 35 years and only heard gun shots three times, that was one of them.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

He is so cool

Can I just say that I have the best husband. (if you know him you don't need to read any further, you already know...). He is so cool. He takes risks for me and stretches outside his comfort zone for me. That is what I want in a partner. I mean, first and foremost, we are equals in the relationship, it could be no other way. He is so solid and loyal and always has my best interest in mind. He is kind and warm and loving and hot. All of those things I do not take for granted, but I do expect them from anyone who I would consider sharing my life with. I am eternally thrilled and grateful to have found him. But what takes him over the top for me is that he will go to a mind altering breath workshop with me, he will eat raw vegan food with me, he will spend time and money at the box office to support some minority (woman, person of color, lgbt, etc) filmmaker who’s film we know nothing about, but who I really want to support, he will drive to the desert for a sound bath with me. And so many other things I cannot even say. He will do things that he would never ever do otherwise just because I am doing it. He doesn’t sit it out. He goes there. What a man.

great excuse to post this song "Make me do the James Brown
Every time I get on my feet"

Monday, March 7, 2016

What I heard from the other room.

Daughter: OUCH!!
Husband to daughter: are you OK? Good. Oh, and lets pick up your plate from the floor. Having it on the floor is not a good idea.
Husband to son: Be gentle to your sister
Daughter: (lots of yelling)
Husband to daughter: Lets calm down you need some food. Pick up your burrito and eat some of it.

A little time passes….

daughter: Owwwww!
Son: Uh-oh
Daughter: ewwwww! I stepped in the Burrito!!

Sunday, March 6, 2016

Altered state

So I did this breath workshop today that promised to take me to an altered state. I was curious.

I will probably never again take a substance to alter my mind, but lately I have intrigued by the idea, not sure why. Partially because  I recently saw Deepak Chopra  advocate “plant medicine,” or tripping, as the way to enlightenment. I am not a follower of his but I thought it a new direction for him, one which is just strange and interesting. Also, I just watched Embrace of the Serpent, nominated for best foreign film this year, which involves plant medicine. Those things aside, I have just been thinking about the healing benefits of altered states.

So, alas, I did the plant-free breath work and it worked and I was transported into an altered state. And low and behold it was amazing and healing and perfect and beautiful.

I started in terror, and almost left and then I surrendered and bypassed the monkey mind and got to my soul. There I found, surprise(!), UNLIMITED UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.  It was all a pretty amazing experience and a great reminder of how life works: move past the resistance, surrender to the feelings, allow them to just be feeling and you move through them into great gifts. When the breath work part was over and we re-acclimated, I went on an amazing “trip” and wound up lying the embrace of a tiger, feeling so safe. The take-away: You are safe, you are loved. No need to waste time dwelling in the negative emotions. Great way to spend a Sunday.

Self-reminder: Go outside your comfort zone and do something fun and weird. 

Friday, March 4, 2016

simple stuff

I am sharing my pal Tim's post for today. it is pretty good stuff and helpful for me today:

OK let's review Agreement 2:
a. Nothing others do is because of you.
b. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.
c. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

see you tomorrow!
these guys were fools at the time, but it is kinda fun to listen to, minus some of the lyrics

Thursday, March 3, 2016

My foray into comicbook franchise millionairedom

In the 90’s my band FUR was paid a small fee to record a song as the characters of a comic book. The charcters’ name was Scare Tactics, they were a crew of monsters of some type who had a band. The song was called Inhumanifesto.

I would like to say that my memory of the whole event is so blurry and it really shows me how mind and memory work or don’t. Anyway, I remember getting paid $75.  I do not remember actually finishing the track or thinking it came out well at all, but here it is and it sounds kinds great. It should have been a big hit, a blockbuster should have been made, but according to Len Kaminski, the mastermind behind the project, via wikipedia, this is what happened.

Scare Tactics is a comic book series published by DC Comics. A total of twelve issues appeared, dated from December 1996 to March 1998. The series, written by Len Kaminski, was a part of DC's Weirdoverse group of titles.
Len Kaminski had the following idea to help promote the book.[1]
I had planned on there being a real-life ST fan club package, which would’ve included a small poster, a backstage pass and a cassette “bootleg” of one of their songs. I wrote the song, and went out of pocket a grand or two on a great east village band (which I can’t name due to weird contract stuff with their manager), studio time (sound engineering and the actual “tune” donated gratis by my friend [and ST fan] Ed) – only to have DC tell me to cut it out, I didn’t own the rights to ST (and besides, it was hinted, they didn’t need me running around making their marketing department look bad). So I had a crate of hundreds of those cassettes on my hands for years before I finally ditched them, keeping just a few for myself.
The series focused on the band Scare Tactics, which was a group of monstrous rock and roll musicians that encountered supernatural adventures while on the road.
The band/team consisted of:
                Arnold Burnsteel (manager/bus driver)
                Fang (Jake Ketchum – werewolf, lead guitarist)
                Gross-Out (Philbert Hoskins – mutated human, drummer)
                Scream Queen (Nina Skorzeny – vampire, lead singer)
Slither (James Tilton – reptilian human, bass guitarist)

I will just add that we never had a manager, so there was issue in saying who we were. Anyway, it was me on vox and guitar, playing both Fang aka Jake, and Scream queen, aka Nina, with the rest of Fur playing Slither and Gross Out. I actually love the one take lo-fi production via Ed Douglas! Dig it!

Hey all you mega producers out there, I am still available be the ghost behind your comic book movie band!


Wednesday, March 2, 2016


The first car I ever drove was a car given to my husband by a friend when he moved to los angeles. It became “our” car, a green/blue Ford Taurus. I liked it. It did not last long. After I got my driver’s license I had to buy my very own car. I had grown up in NY and never learned to drive because I never needed to. I was in my late 30’s when I started taking driving lessons. After I passed my driving test I still took the bus for three years because I did not want to own a car, which seemed like a big expensive responsibility and a bit of a burden.

When I finally bought my car I did it through a guy who bought cars cheap at auction. It was a 5 year old Toyota Corolla and it cost about $7,000. I had it for another 11 years and I never had to put a penny into it. It ran perfectly and I drove it into the ground. It still runs and would go another 10 years if we wanted but it is really beat up and it is time to get a new car. I will tell you more about this as it happens, but in the mean time I will repeat this story incase you missed it's brillance.

During last years Award’s season, my husband went to a big Oscar’s event in Beverly Hills one night and he was driving my 16 year old Corolla, which is a sort of throw-upy nail polish color of pink/brown/silver/gold. My beautiful husband was an Oscar nominee and wearing a suit and looking terrific and not breaking any laws but he was profiled because of my car and pulled over by the police. They immediately let him go. Something about that still warms my heart. Keeping it street, baby. I will miss that car, just a little. But thrilled to be moving on.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Water seeks its own level....

Water seeks its own level. If you have water in one container and water in another container and you connect them, the water will flow between the two containers until the water levels are the same height in each. I love that saying and always use it to describe myself in light of the people I hung around with.

Back in the day I dated a lot of wild animals, the kind that should not have been put in the zoo or brought home as pets, jail, addiction, blah blah. Superfun and lots of trouble but I was just water seeking my own level, No different. We were the same.

Then there were a few really wild animals, not my level at all. Did you ever have that, know that, do that? I kinda knew that we were truly incompatible, but it did not change the attraction. I used to say simple sentences to them that would go so over their heads, like we spoke completely different languages. we'd get around eachother, both wanting to, and then we just couldn't relate, could barely just be there next to eachother. I kissed them all but never got much further, it was just impossible, the laws of nature did not allow it, no matter how hard I tried. They were really amazing. You know how stunning and wrong it looks to see someone wearing an exotic skin, a tiger skin coat. You can’t stop staring, so beautiful but it is so terribly out of place because it is not alive. Being with them would have been kinda like that.  Incredible rare jewels, but raw.  Eyes like pools to drown in. Faces like works of art. Bodies carved by the streets. Man, we got so close, flames almost touched and now we are light years away. Light years. We always were light years away.