Thursday, April 28, 2016

40 perfect and yes rare...

The Ramones first record just had its 40th anniversary. Henry Rollins was talking about it today on the radio. It was great to hear those songs. It reminded me why I wanted/want to be in a band. It reminded me why music is amazing. It reminded me of that unnamable feeling/energy of the first time you hear a mind blowing song.

The best part of the article was when Henry mentioned that the record only went gold two years ago, which means that it only sold 500,000 copies as of recently. He spoke about how shocking that was, how he imagined that everyone had that record. I guess I thought that too, but it is so refreshing to hear that not everyone has it, that it really is a privileged bunch who knew about it. Of course I wished the band all the success and exposure and financial gain they deserved, that is besides the point. The point is that not everyone knows about this gem. It really was the sublime magnificent underground, like wearing yellow fishnet stockings with an MC jacket on a freezing night so cold it hurts your nose to breathe and all you care about is the sound and   you feel like you would die for it and you just need to get there and see them and hear them....Despite all the good or bad bands that think they are/were punk and think that punk “broke” the mainstream, some good part never did. Little victory for us with good taste.

btw, LA Peeps, I am playing with my band OSO My Brain, tonight, friday april 29th at Taix 1911 Sunset blvd, in echo park at 10pm. See you there...

Sunday, April 17, 2016

lord i miss you

life is so good. i am so busy. i miss writing everyday and being with you, but i love doing other things and not putting that  pressure on myself right now. i can do it if want to but am taking a break. yum....

anyway, i just saw this film and i t was so awesome and i thought i would tell you about it. it was universal but on a smaller budget than those typical UNIVERSAL themed films. it is just my nature, i am not fan of "too glossy, i get it, the hard work the perfection, the polish, the goal, the box office competition, the pay for the artists, etc, but something always gets lost in the translation for me when you get to the arena level. as for the music metaphor, i hope to never go to an area show again in my life, i only want the small club experience. and yes i mostly avoid that kind of film because it rarely satisfies me.

that being said, i saw this medium sized film, (small to some) and it was so elegantly acted and told, and the metaphor was so big and strong and it was just everything i want in a film, it showed the struggle, the heartbreak, the reality of life, the beauty of family, of relationship, friendship, love. it touched the god place for me.

it reminded me of everything i already knew but always forget.
the struggle is normal. 
we are all connected. 
everything is going to be ok. 
love is stronger than all the stuff. 
love always wins. 
you are given everything you need.
i could go on and on.

oh, the film was called Midnight Special. you may not see it the way i did. expectation often kills it of me.

see you around, kiddos.
looking good, keef...

Monday, April 11, 2016

the greatest water fountain

We used to go to this man made lake in Fair Lawn, New Jersey when I was a kid. Swim, barbeque, play, it was a magical place. I have the fondest memories.  My parents called it Fehlaun, with their heavy new York accents so it was not until I was a grown up that I knew what the place was really called. Anyway, there was a water fountain there that I can still remember today. the fountain and the metal bowl lay on a wooden structure that had been painted white, but was rough and sun baked, faded and chipped. The whole thing smelled like wood that was hot and in the sun all day, like a boardwalk, and the water tasted like the most delicious water in the whole world. still does, in my memory.

No song tonight. in a rush. peace out. xh

Sunday, April 10, 2016

standing myself up

at one time I tried on line dating. I was single and dating was a drag and online dating was a worse drag. It probably takes time to get it right but I did not give it much time.
I met one guy on there and he was ok and we made a date and I showed up and he was not there and  waited a bit but he never came. I was relieved. Then I went home and realized that I had never sent him the note where I confirmed the date and set up the time and place. The draft was written but never sent. Opps. I stood myself up.

Last week I wrote a blog and published it and about 8 people read it. wow I thought, did everyone just forget about me that fast? Just because I have not published every day am I no longer relevant? I remember Jon Stewart saying “who remembers Oprah?” after she went off network tv and was only on her channel and not as accessible. He said it in a cautionary way when the Daily Show did not air, or threatened not to air, for one day due to some glitch, or something like that. I was about to buy into the workaholics dream about having to do it more and more and more….
Then I checked to see if I ever posted the blog and lo and behold, I had once again stood myself up.

Things are not always what you think. Sometimes you get proof, sometimes you have to trust..,

this is the most un me song i have ever posted. but it works

Friday, April 8, 2016

be wrong strong

In first grade I did great in school and loved the attention and the compliments and the stickers. Then I made my first mistake. I remember it still something about circle the cherries or the apples and I did it wrong and I got my first red X. I went home so upset and said that I needed glasses and my family thought that was so funny, but I cried because my little bit of validation was taken away and I wanted it back.

I am crazy over the new film Miles Ahead, directed by Don Cheadle, and my favorite line is when Miles is recording and he says to his band “Be wrong strong.”  When I was in my first band I was all attitude, not much technique, I still am like that in many ways. I came to love mistakes because that is what happens when you are taking chances, being vulnerable, living in the moment. Something about being and neat and perfect is so uptight, leaves no room for the magic. Go there.

Be wrong strong my friends, forever. xxH

Thursday, April 7, 2016

high school teacher Part II cliffhanger revealed...

part II high school
Sorry it took me a while to get to this cliff hanger continued from

…He made good points, but also came from a place of white male privilege. I understood both sides. Most, if not all of the kids on the school did not have to worry about paying for college. My family never finished paying for my high school. They did not have the money, so they ditched the last tuition. I never got my hs diploma because of debt. I had already gotten a big scholarship, because I was bright, from my father's union. It was not enough to go to NYU. I already knew I was smart. However, NYU was going to give me another scholarship (because I was bright AND my school had gotten me to be the news paper editor to enhance my profile) and being Latina was probably going to help. I had never been given much of anything, so I loved affirmative action.

For the paper, I wrote....that affirmative action was “bad” and gave the reasons why, which all made sense, even though I really thought affirmative action was good because it served me in a prefect and untarnished way. Anyway, it was a complex issue.  I just finished watching the AMAZING  People vs OJ series and the Chris Darden character speaks about how he got into his prestigious school without help, but he felt, painfully,  like everyone was looking at him like he only got in because of affirmative action.

None the less, I finally got an A on a paper for Mr. Pugelli. One thing I learned in his class was how to play the game, which may not have been unintended on his part. In any case, I deeply respect the guy and I was absolutely thrilled to find out he was head of a school, still teaching and still amazing. I watched a video of him giving a presentation to his his school students and I an in awe at what he is teaching high school kids. I am in awe of his mind. I watched the whole video to learn and remember and learn again. He talks about so many things I couldn’t grasp at the time but came to learn, believe ,and value on my own over the years. These days, we have many shared values. I would love to see him give a Ted Talk. Thanks Mr. Pugelli. You can see him here speaking about "selling your self":

this on the other hand was where i was at in high school, listening to crass, god bless..

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

politics and joy

This is real. While I talk about the presidential race alot, I do not talk about it in front of my daughter, not for any specific reason, but I am just not in adult company having those conversations when she is around. EVERYTHING she knows she hears from other kids in kindergarten and apparently they talk politics every day. When we are driving I listen to npr so she also hears all the news reports, and the names Clinton and Trump jump out for her and prompt her to fill me in on her political views.  She is anti Trump because he is not nice and "excludes," (which is a terrible thing to do on the playground). She never mentions Bernie. She wants Hillary to win because she is a girl.

So tonight over dinner out of the blue she said this to me with great excitement:
"Did you know that Jim Cleatlin is the husband of Harry Cleatlin (that is how she pronounced Hillary's name)!!!?

After taking a moment to figure out what the hell she was talking about I said, "I did know that."

And she said without missing a beat "What's a husband?"It is kust me and the kids at dinner, no one else is there.

What joy I get to sit alone and hold.

Monday, April 4, 2016

too good not to share

this was said to me in all seriousness, with no posing, no trying, just pure realness, by one of my peeps today:
"The bitch is seventy motherfucking seven and she is getting more dick than me."
I love my life and the amazing colorful beautiful real people surrounding me.

Saturday, April 2, 2016

high school teacher....

So yesterday I wrote in the vague place, when i need to keep something private and I am less specific. It is never as interesting or relatable. The details are where we connect.

I had this teacher in high school, Mr. Pugelli. He was really cool, incredibly intelligent and a great teacher . He taught a class called the American Dream. We read Ken Keasy and The Hell's Angels. Great books with depth that we could really learn a lot about life from. As a teacher he wanted his high school students to have real tools in the world and he was so smart about how he taught them. We read a book, I forget if it was How to Influence People, or How to n Negotiate Anything, anyway it was classic that went over my head. I was not starting at the starting line, I was 59 miles behind the line and not ready for such sophisticated stuff, but it got in my head and I never forgot the examples he brought up and the points he made.

Even though i was a straight A student, I always got low grades on my papers for him. He was all practicality, business and sense with a little cool thrown in and I was a radical, an idealist, nieve and an artist. He wasn't having my bs.  One paper was if we had 5 minutes alone with the president what would we ask him. Reagan, what would I say to him? I wrote that I would say nothing, that he would not listen and that basically he was an asshole. I got a  C. he wrote back that no is the end, yes is the beginning. conversations open the door, something like that. We were both right. He was righter. He believed that there was always something  you could say. I believe that too, today. For my last paper with him, it was why is affirmative action good  or bad. He taught us why he did not believe in affirmative action - because you got in not on your own merits and you would still feel "less than" (Please  forgive me for any inexactness, I am  paraphrasing  30 years later). 

He made good points, but also came from white male privilege. I understood both sides. Most, if not all of the kids on the school did not have to worry about paying for college. My family never finished paying for my high school. they did not have the money, so the ditched the last tuition. I never got my hs diploma because of debt. i had already gotten a big scholarship because i was bright, from my father's union. It was not enough to go to NYU. I already knew I was smart. However, NYU was going to give me another scholarship because I was bright and my school had gotten me to be the news paper editor to enhance my profile, and being Latina was probably going to help. I had never gotten much of anything, so I loved affirmative action.

For the paper, i wrote....

Cliff hanger, come back tomorrow....

Friday, April 1, 2016

past present

Today I saw an old photo of someone very close to me who I knew from childhood who is no longer with us. It blew my mind as I studied his expression and hair and arms and eyes, searching for clues, trying to see who he was, trying to understand everything that happened. Alot happened and it is still a mystery . I got no answers, only more questions. 

Then I saw a video of another man I knew when I was still living at home, not a mentor, but that is almost the right word. It was just as mind blowing to see him in 3D, doing his thing, with my adult eyes. 

I have lived a million lives in this short life of mine and it is just fascinating to re-experience humans. The same way that going back to your grammar school as an adult and seeing how tiny it is in comparison to how it used to look to you while you were there, seeing these men with completely different eyes is like a measurement of how far I have traveled as a person on this earth.

One experience was kind of great and affirming of my good instincts despite my limitations, and the other was dreadfully depressing. 

Alas, life.