Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Baggage: letting go of hatred brings up vulnerability and so much more

Urg, you know the Ike and Tina version of Proud Mary, “We never ever do anything nice and easy…” welcome to my world. But you read me, so you already know that.

I do not want to post this but I was feeling pretty alone with it so posting helps.  And since you made it past the title, you must need to read this on some level, so here goes.

So I am cutting loose this big heavy fucking suitcase that I have carried around on my back for decades. Put it down, dear girl, put it down. Inside of the ancient bag I found some metaphor for a very sad childhood with trauma. You get the picture. I have worked much of it out, but apparently not all. Hmmmm.

The result of carrying all that weight has been the source of much hatred. That’s how it plays out for me, that was the best I could do with so much pain. I fucking hate. I don’t hate minorities or random folk. My target is just a select few, anyone that has hurt me or hurt someone very very close to me, anyone who gets near my wound. They get it all, all the hate in the world.

Of course they don’t deserve it all. They don’t deserve any of it. Most targets of hate do not deserve the wrath sent their way. Hate is not logical or productive. It does no good, serves no one. But there you have it. That is how I coped. My process leads me to have some empathy for the haters out there that I cannot stand, the haters of women and blacks and the lgbt community and “others”. I get how illogical it is, how deep it runs, how hard it is to reason away, how comforting it feels. But hate hurts everyone, both the hater and the hated. It is our job and responsibility to do better.

I am excited to let it go. It will be a process. It will take time. Still
I am so very uncomfortable with the letting go of what has been my armor. I am not sure what will be there underneath. Uneasy vulnerabity, yes, but what else? There are tons of tears and terror, but that stuff will pass. It is all ok, beautiful in fact. I am contributing to the peace consciousness of the world. Being the change I want to see. Life is mindblowing. Viva la revolutione of the internal kind. All transformation is possible. You know I love you.

Sunday, May 1, 2016

the fall of Saigon

This weekend is the 40th anniversary of the fall of Saigon, or the liberation, depending on context. There is so much sadness and devastation leading up to that moment, I cannot even begin to touch on it. I will just say that the evacuations had begun a month or so prior. President Ford appproved a plan to remove most Americans, leaving only 1250, enough to be evacuated in one day. He spent the rest of the time, until the city was captured, evacuating Vietnamese refugees. American planned to help refugees of war till the last possible minutes, that is amazing. 

I find the history so compelling, because it was so very recent. Only 40 years ago. 

And on another note, it happened DAYS after the first Ramones record came out.

I am having a hard time reconciling this time line. 

Ah, life. Turn, turn, turn.

"Compassion is the understanding of the lack of understanding"

“Compassion is the understanding of the lack of understanding. It takes a tremendous amount of clarity, strength and spiritual maturity to practice genuine compassion.
Love offered from a place of true compassion is not personal; it is transpersonal, non-dual quality that emanates from the depths of one’s being. The spiritually-awakened heart practices unconditional compassion which expresses exactly as it needs to – tough love at times, soothing, comforting love at others. But love is always the view, the motive, the practice.” From the agape website

I read this a week or so ago and then began my week of really big feelings, the kind that rattle every nerve ending till it is raw and fiery, where you whole body is uncomfortable and all you want is a way out because the way though seems unbearable. I wanted to do any thing to relieve me of the ouchy itchy buzzy adrenaline-y, sensations of fear, anger, pain and trauma. Gross. 

I went to 7 eleven, a place I rarely enter, and craved the neon pink doughnuts, the greasy fried crispy sandwiches, the chips, the sugar, the candy, the soda, the shitty chocolate, more chips, and the gambling, anything to fix me, to make me feel better (ha!), to take away my pain. Somehow I walked out with just a one dollar lotto ticket. 

Next I tried obsessive thinking, spinning out on figuring a way out of having to feel anything by fixing everything. Since that is impossible, It did not work it just feel more adrenaline-y and brutal.

Miraculously, after getting some help to ground myself I somehow moved through all of those feelings without stuffing or fixing and got peace in the other side. I’d been wrestling with something for a while and all of a sudden I had clarity and guidance. I was laid up in the fetal position for a bit, recovering from all the popping off of electrical impulses in my body, but I got through. You can too. Why is it so hard to just feel things sometimes?

Anyway, I was left with the answer that the high road is always the way to go, that the low road promises immediate gratification, but often fail to deliver and even if it does give immediate satisfaction, it is never gives long term peace and happiness. And isn’t peace and happiness what we are seeking in the end? I write this to remind myself.

Sometimes it is really hard to get to love, but it is always worth the struggle.