Saturday, November 12, 2016

Fear- Rage- Grief/Depression- Action - and Beyond-

Fear- Rage- Grief/Depression- Action - and Beyond-

(Note: this is imperfect, it is the best I got today)
I have been vacillating between fear, rage, grief/depression, and a meditative state of being that is beyond hate blame and judgement and closer to empathy since the election. Every one of those places is valid.

Fear: I live  in a diverse liberal place. I do not live in fear. After the election results, I was in a diverse public space and a white man started eyeing all of the lovely diverse people around me, including me, and began singing in a threatening manner,"All we are saying, is give trump a chance." to the tune of Give Peace A Chance. Then he left. I felt the fear and then the rage. I wanted to violently attack him, rip him limb from limb. How dare anyone come into my safe space, my life and threaten me. My seething rage for all things trump was unleashed. It was so subtle but it was crystal clear. Much worse is happening.

Most of you reading already know this but I want to clarify it for anyone who doesn't. Hate has been legitimitized by the election of a man who used attacking and blaming minorities to get elected. A group of people who are predominantly white, predominantly male and predominantly uneducated are feeling empowered by this election results to vent their frustrations on innocent groups of people identified by trump. They are following his lead. Hate crimes are on the rise in the few days since the election. I fear for myself and my kids, my husband, my family, and for all women, people of color, people of targeted religions and everyone in the LBGTQ community. This is not hype, it is happening and people are scared.  I am so sorry if you are being targeted or feel fear. 

This blog is about the violence from trump supporters, but I will add here that his policies are the source of their feeling empowered. His proposed policies are terrifying and again I am sorry if you are afraid or targeted.

Right here I want to note that only 27% of America voted for trump.

I also want to say that my I love men, I love white people and I have people in my life whom I love who are uneducated. I write this with love.

I have been afraid before. Many times. Two very personal and rather recent incidents include that a friend was murdered by a terrorists machine gun fire (breathe). And that a court of law decided whether I could keep my child or never see my child again (breathe. I cannot get into details on that but it was not because of anything me or my family did). Both times I chose to not give in to the fear. With terrorists I chose to be brave and not live in fear. Instead I left the house and lived in gratitude. With being in court for a year and a half not knowing if my family would be torn apart, I decided to choose love, action, and a spiritual path. I would love my kid everyday, and stay out of terror by meditating, and I would fight my hardest within that system. And there you have it. That is what I will do in the face of this election.

I will pause here to say that women, I am feeling you. The number of sexual assaults against me as a child and a teen and a young women and an adult are too numerous to go into. Another time. (one of many I am a survivor. It is so very triggering to have the president of our country, an authority figure, be an accused sexual predator who promotes sexual assault and dismisses the victims. And now by having been elected, is unintentionally giving those looking for an excuse to go out and assault. It is almost incomprehensible and absolutely unacceptable.

Thus the terror, of being victimized again (!?!?!), the feelings of grief, like someone I love has died. And the rage, which I will funnel into action.

I will fight for all targeted communities to the best of my ability and I invite you to do the same. I will stand for equality and fight against hate and harm. i have never been targeted for my spiritual beliefs, but I been victimized for my sexual preference, and my race. I do not need to have been the victim of a specific violence to still fight agains it. Which brings me to empathy...

Empathy? Empathy for haters and hurters? Motherfucker!  You are asking me to do hard work right now. Yep, I am asking that of myself. Not today, I am not feeling it yet, but ultimately. I am going there. A large part of the people who voted for trump have felt afraid, have felt the way we do now, for the last 8 years. They have felt powerless thinking that values or beliefs they hold dear was being taken away (I am working hard to stay out of judgment of their vales as I type that) or they have felt, or actually have been forgotten by the powers that be. Stephen Colbert shared a statistic from PEW Research Center saying "More than half of Democrats (55%) say the Republican Party makes them 'afraid' while 49% of Republicans say the same about the Democratic Party. 

Everyone is having big feeling and feelings are messy at best and really problematic at worst, especially for people without tools. Alas, folks, that's why I work like a dog to process my feelings and keep my side of the street clean. Education is vital, so is art and support.

Deepak Chopra has advocated for meditating into the place of "being" beyond judgement and blame.  That's hard but I am trying. That was how I got through my court experience, that is the only way I got through. The truth is that hating, blaming and judging don't fix anything for me and they don't help us feel better other than for a temporary moment. The only thing that helps is empowerment. Being brave in the face of fear, standing strong with the persecuted and fighting for my family and others is my only solulution for me. I am writing this for me. If it helps you, please share it with others and let me know. 

Monday, November 7, 2016

Election anxiety remedy # 5: what is great

What is great in this world: mountains, James brown, cats, dogs, kittens, puppies, the film Cabaret, Lina Wertmuller, Dave Chapelle, friends, nitrate-free bacon, dairy free ice cream with dairy free whipped cream, love.

I am tired. It has been a long week, month, year. God bless us all. Do something kind, do something brave. Do something that makes you feel strong. Do something that makes you feel good. Love yourself and others. Joy to the world. I'm done. Xxxh

Election anti anxiety remedy #4: Gimme Danger

Yep, I will be able to watch it free in a few weeks or so on a TV, but we trekked to the theater and paid to see Jim Jamosch's documentary on the Stooges. I wanted to hear it loud and see it big. The film is fine, but the story and the subject are Brilliant. Shine shine shine Iggy, Scott, Ron, Dave and James. So fun to hear it told and see as much of the footage as exists. Yes, I already know the story but it was still a treat. Do fun things. Treat yourself well. Manifest your visiON! Follow your dreams, allow your genius. Be free. Help others to be free. Love on. Xxxh

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Election anxiety Remedy # 3: Circa 1972

I am writing joyous odes to life this pre election week as an anti anxiety election remedy. You are welcome to join me. I believe that focusing on the positive helps us manifest more of the same positivity and then some. Here is a new poem.

At the party, circa 1972 by Holly Ramos (2016)

Daddy, the way your creased bell bottomed slacks stick off your leg at an angle when you sit looks like an animal's beak. I can see your brown leather ankle boot and your black sock rise above it. If you sit low enough, like on the steps of the sunk-in living, or on a footrest or the floor, I can even see you thin shin and its Puerto Rican brown skin.

Friday, November 4, 2016

What's great today

those of you who know me may know about how I used to cry everyday. I did that for decades. There was a lot to mourn, feel, grieve and release. I washed away most of  what I needed to. I hardly cry at all these days. It's been a rather dry decade or so. But I cried today. I literally cried out of beauty and joy today because I saw a grandmother asleep upright in a chair at the Y holding her new born sleeping grandchild against her body. It was mind blowingly touching for so very many reasons. I could not stop staring and, teary-eyed, I touched a stranger who was also staring and we shared a moment together basking in the emanating light. Life is magnificent.

The other amazing things that happened were that I went to THE infamous Marc Jacob sample sale. I love Marc. The sale, however, was ga-badge (said with a New England accent). I don't like to used such strong language but it was. It was day 2. Maybe if you go on day one it is better. This part might not sound amazing, but it was. It was amazing to find out I was not missing out on anything. Silly, I know.

The best amazing part was that I went to my daughter's teacher conference and I was told "I don't know what you are doing at home with your child but it is like an angel dropped into the class room. She is not only focused on her work, but she helps other kids. She answers questions so earnestly. And she is above the standards in every area." That is just so very sweet to hear. I do not care if she is struggling with every subject. What I loved was that she tries, she helps, and my favorite part, she is earnest. She is so very sweet. I am so very lucky.

A few other details: getting to eat at this place we were trying to get to before it closed and never making it until today. Eating a delicious meal with my kiddos and having a laugh fest in bed as I was keeping them up extra late to get them ready for the clock change.

I am living the dream. I suspect we all can find part of the dream to live. Cultivate the attitude of gratitude, brothers and works.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

The end of the best summer

I adore summer. Growing up with many difficulties, summer was the one consistent joy. Pools and oceans were a family value, my parents made swimming a priority. Water was one of the few places where there was peace and play and freedom and fun.

Getting to the water has become a priority for me as well. as a new mom I imagined that taking my kids to the beach or pool would be the greatest thing but it wasn't. I had to hold my 6 month old the whole time and it was uncomfortable, then I had to watch her the whole time and when she got slightly independent I had to hold my son. I didn't reason out the plan I just felt it emotionally, summer water joy.  But it wasn't, and that was such a disappointing drag....

Until now. this year was the best summer of my adult life, maybe even my whole life. I went to the pool every day. My daughter can swim good enough and my son, only 2, is at a fun stage and he can wear floaties and jump around without physical discomfort to me. And I get to frolic about for a bit here and there and that is terrific. It has been and continues to be great, joyous, and amazing. Being in the water is the easiest place for me to play with my kids and connect with them. So perfect.

Then that day came when I noticed that the slant of the sun was different and I felt a chill in the air that signified the end of summer, the same chill I would feel as a kid at Rockaway at the end of August, or on the holiday weekend. The sea was warm, but the sun was different and the air reflected it. Urg. It hurt me on the cellular level to say goodbye to this glorious summer.  Still thrilled to have experienced it in all its perfection. Next year will be even better!