Urg, you know the Ike and Tina version of Proud Mary, “We never ever do anything nice and easy…” welcome to my world. But you read me, so you already know that.
I do not want to post this but I was feeling pretty alone with it so posting helps. And since you made it past the title, you must need to read this on some level, so here goes.
So I am cutting loose this big heavy fucking suitcase that I have carried around on my back for decades. Put it down, dear girl, put it down. Inside of the ancient bag I found some metaphor for a very sad childhood with trauma. You get the picture. I have worked much of it out, but apparently not all. Hmmmm.
The result of carrying all that weight has been the source of much hatred. That’s how it plays out for me, that was the best I could do with so much pain. I fucking hate. I don’t hate minorities or random folk. My target is just a select few, anyone that has hurt me or hurt someone very very close to me, anyone who gets near my wound. They get it all, all the hate in the world.
Of course they don’t deserve it all. They don’t deserve any of it. Most targets of hate do not deserve the wrath sent their way. Hate is not logical or productive. It does no good, serves no one. But there you have it. That is how I coped. My process leads me to have some empathy for the haters out there that I cannot stand, the haters of women and blacks and the lgbt community and “others”. I get how illogical it is, how deep it runs, how hard it is to reason away, how comforting it feels. But hate hurts everyone, both the hater and the hated. It is our job and responsibility to do better.
I am excited to let it go. It will be a process. It will take time. Still
I am so very uncomfortable with the letting go of what has been my armor. I am not sure what will be there underneath. Uneasy vulnerabity, yes, but what else? There are tons of tears and terror, but that stuff will pass. It is all ok, beautiful in fact. I am contributing to the peace consciousness of the world. Being the change I want to see. Life is mindblowing. Viva la revolutione of the internal kind. All transformation is possible. You know I love you.