So I played my show. It was really fun. There is a horror, always, leading up to playing, the anxiety is overwhelming. I am mildly dyslexic in some odd undiagnosed way so I can play a song a million times and still forget the chords, not out of fear-it happens even when rehearsing home alone. I will never do it perfect, so I go up there with a certain knowing that it will be imperfect, which is good and bad. The trick is to surrender into acceptance and try not to push to hard to compensate. It is all a delicate balance. And then viola! After the first note, it's always really easy and pleasant and fun.
So many people came out. It feels really great to play to a packed room. It was great to see all those beautiful faces. (Thank you everyone).
I got to sing a duet with Jesse (Malin) of Cigareets and Violets, a song I co-wrote, that I really love and that I have never performed. That was great.
And playing with the band, which yesterday in my mind felt like too dramatic of a shift, was just perfect. I played solo and then we rocked. The guys in the band played amazing and it was an easy fit and they gave me this great gift, the opportunity to play certain songs loud and fast with support, with a bottom of drums and bass. Weeeeeeeeeeehooooo!
So there you have it, the process and the end result. We have to fearlessly step across the gap every time. We have to just show up and do it.
And in the immortal words of one of my favorite works of art, hanging on Jesse's wall ( ha! I am paraphrasing): the struggle is normal. I have always loved you.