Friday, February 3, 2017

What the fuck am I doing?

Alas, I am playing a show tomorrow. My judgement was way poor when I agreed to it. I am going to the British academy awards in London with my husband on Friday. I have to get a dress and shoes and hair and childcare and everything together and travel. I also have to get a dress for the Academy Awards in  3 weeks, which involves all of the same issues. It's almost like I have to go to two black tie weddings in different cities and instead of dealing with it, I am rehearsing a show!

If I may be blunt, as a mom of two kids, one of whom is 2, I am lucky if I get to shave my legs once every few months. There really is no free time for anything other than our routine. The show is enough. The academy awards in the same city as we are in is enough. Getting my hair done is enough. And here I am juggling all of this. I am not complaining. I am aware of the privilege. I am just trying to say that it feels impossible, and maybe it is.

On top of that, I decided to play part of this show with a band and I casually got one together and set up a rehearsal. It turns out that playing music with new people is a bigger deal than I imagined, kind of like dropping acid. But I did it. And it sounds good. And playing my tender solo stuff next to my punk stuff is much weirder than I had in mind when I casually had the idea to do a retrospective of my music career. I didnt think any of it out, because I have no time to think. And here I am.

there is always a point before a performance when I think "what the fuck am I doing." Sometimes I joyously count the days till it is over. Sometimes I consider canceling. Ha! I guess it is my process. It always feels great during and after , but the lead up is pure hell. Can't wait till it's over , and then I miss it once it is over. In fact I love having done it oce it is over. I love playing. But as for right now... How did I manage to agree to this and why? I guess because we are supposed to use our gifts and be of service. I am glad I some how got tricked into doing it. I appreciate the amnesia that allows me to say yes. I am in the crystal clear reality of regret right now, but I know it is an illusion. Fuck it. Life is short. Do something. The clock is ticking people, ignore it, but go do something.

Alas my friends - that is the inside look at what happens before I play. I promise the show will be entertaining. I can really pen a good phrase here and there and nail a melody. My special guests are amazing too. I promise I will bring it. Come on down. Sat feb 4 @ 9 @. Berlin. Dig it.

No comments:

Post a Comment