I visited my father’s grave today. I went deep into the Bronx and got down in the mud and started digging with my bare hands, unearthing a big fat worm. It can’t get much realer.
I had brought a pot of red tulips and I wanted to plant them rather than leave them, but I didn’t have a shovel so I just got down in the dirt and started digging with my bare hands. Something about the physicality and the fresh earth was really good for me.
The great thing about being an adult is having a choice. As a kid I did not. My relationship with my father is super complicated. I have not visited his grave in many years, and in the 21 years since he died, this is only the second visit. I am doing it my way and it is perfect. I feel peace and love and forgiveness right now, which is a victory, but the real victory is that it is fine if I don’t feel those things, I can and I have felt whatever I needed to, whatever is true, no judgment or fixing or rules. True victory.
The cool part is that there is magic at the cemetery. My last visit brought out this crazy little ghost that followed my out to the cemetery gates http://hollyramoswrites.blogspot.com/2012/04/all-transformation-is-possible-happy.html
This time after planting my flowers, I sat and closed my eyes to have some quite contemplation and something small came charging at me, the patter patter of the feet approached me so quickly, loudly and directly that I could not keep my meditation going, and as the “thing” got within inches of me, my eyes flew open but nothing was there. Ha! Crazy but true. I am used to such shenanigans and did not bat an eye lash, but simply looked around for a few seconds to make sure, and then closed my eyes again and went back to my meditation.
Incase you are an adult and feel like you don’t have a choice, I write this to remind you that you do. You do. You always do. The choice might not exist in the way you want it to, it might just be an internal one, a choice of attitude, but you definitely have it. I love you….